23 April 2020 - Something you'd like to forget

Something to forget - Michael Hewerdine

I had the question of something I would like to forget come up before, with that spacey feeling again, not being haunted by anything in particular except an assignment deadline for study. I could talk about that but let’s dig deeper for a moment. There was a friend’s face telling me about finding a farmer in a sileage chopper still running. Too gory. The young family running towards me at a race meeting when I’d just seen their dad die in front of me. Too emotional. The time when I nearly died in bed with measles. I’ll tell you about that.

You don’t remember much being ill with measles, well not me anyway except I remember my mum as offside ‘I told you so’ because I’d been vaccinated and she always said it didn’t work, made me hyper.

So I was in bed feeling spacy, covered in spots. The bedclothes had been clammy and now soft and fluffy, maybe mum had changed them. I love fresh sheets so sitting up, thinking of something to do. There was this old tape deck I had been wondering about, why it didn’t work, an old school one with reels. So I sat there with pillows stuffed behind me and took it to bits. Next thing I’m being hammered as if a dog has got my arm and I can’t move, it keeps roaring and growling right through me, and a burning smell flits in and out.

In my mind between the white flashes I can see my arm on the circuit board of the tape and I figure I’m being electrocuted, but I can’t move. So I concentrate really hard and, pow.

My whole body is trembling and I’m on the side of the bed. It’s skin-cool, very cool, silver columns, the grey weave of the tape box floats in my inner vision, in silence. I lay there for a while, almost savouring the moment, I got off it.

I eventually sat up in the shame and switched the thing off at the wall, I had forgotten to unplug it. The blanket was very heavy over my knees, as I legged the machine away from me.

I never did fix it properly, I put it back together and it worked though, but I think I threw it out, or mum gave it to someone.

It became a something like a dog that bit you, never to be trusted again.

The measles went and it was back to school, I never really talked about this much. Mum put some some honey on my arm burn, I heal fast and that was that really, not even a scar.